I used to have a brother whom I absolutely hated. He was someone who would show his dick and piss in front of me and think it was funny. Several times he would discipline me for being effeminate. (I was effeminate as a boy and probably sometimes I still am). And where would you see a sixteen year old who is often drunk? I prayed to god that he would die - and he did. It was gang violence, he was tortured to death.
I saw my sibling's faces coming home from different schools they were sent to (there were 10 of us) and my father too from his work. I was overcame with sadness and guilt. On his funeral, I never cried thus the start of my reputation of being aloof and unaffectionate towards my family.
The next few months, I was to start high school and become a seminarian. I was taught of catholic faith. We had a library of all things mystical and I was very interested in the afterlife. I thought of my brother often and remember clearly the events that led to his death. How he was covered in blood and how he was given the last sacrament by a priest. I saw him being embalmed. I concluded he did not fall to hell but is in the most dire place in purgatory where the most sinful are sent to.
The more I read about literature regarding purgatory the more it disturbs me. If I was correct in my judgment according to catholic faith and the accounts of lives of saints who saw the afterlife, no one is safe from purgatory. Even the holiest will have to go through the fires because no one is pure. I saw visions in my mind, it was the start of me spacing out in public (I still do but not in the same way). The very thoughts about my brother started torturing me. I started attending all the masses there is to be held everyday, including the afternoon latin masses and paid private masses. Every time I am, an angel would be around to comfort him and every time I take the holy communion my angel would pour a jar of cold water over him.
It gets harder. I must have to remain pure to be able to give offerings but there are challenges. I started to find boys attractive and there are only boys around the semenary. There are seniors and juniors who would like to make me their 'girlfriend'. This idea confused me at the time. Even the guy I have most crush on expressed his sexual intentions towards me. I started avoiding them all. Fortunately being a loner is acceptable in the seminary. When I wasn't studying, I'm thinking about my brother or thinking about boys. These are all I do over and over everyday. One day I lost almost all of my laundry for studying or thinking too much.
I went out of the seminary the next year, I reasoned, the seminary doesn't participate in academic competitions and I don't like that.
One day I dreamt of my brother in a business suit. He was very good looking and was waiting on a train station. Every time I'm in a new city I would look for the grandest looking cathedral and burn for him some aromatic candles. I am immediately somewhere else the very moment.
About the picture:
The say that I most resemble my brother.
June 19, 2009
Fires of Afterlife
June 11, 2009
June 08, 2009
Openmindedness and Evidence
Being that I like to think of myself as a freethinker, I like this video. Also, I would really like to know some objections against it.
June 07, 2009
One of my sources for studying Spanish is Margarita Madrigal's book. Some of the conversations make me laugh.
¿Le dió un tractor a Isabel para la Navidad?
Caramba, profesor, eso es ridiculo. No le dí un tractor a Isabel para la Navidad. Le dí una caja de chocolates.
¿Le dió un avión a Alicia?
No, eso es ridiculo, no le dí un avión a Alicia. Le dí una botella de perfume a Alicia para la Navidad.
¿Le dió una botella de leche a Marta para la Navidad?
Ay no, no le dí una botella de leche a Marta. Le dí una botella de perfume para la Navidad.
¿Le dió un sofá a Roberto?
Si, le dí un sofá a Roberto para la Navidad porque es muy perezoso.
I find the character Roberto funny but Marta is kind of nothing unusual.
I have a tedious way of using it in that I actually do the chapter exercises which I need not do because it slows me down but I just like to write a lot too and I probably would through several notebooks this year.
June 04, 2009
Spouting Equations
One of my favorite Youtube atheist. She's different, intelligent and beautiful.
She has this contest at the end of the video and I've guessed 264 marbles. That was hasty because it turns out there are three sizes.
May 31, 2009
May 30, 2009
I Like
But I'm pertaining to the choker. Well, yes the guy is gorgeous. Of all the beautiful designs in that e-store I choose this one which is the simplest. But as I am - parsimonious, so no can't have it.
May 26, 2009
I'm in Vacation - Latin America
I sat there somewhere in Latin American, on a beach watching the turquise sea under the fiery desert sky. I was tiring the day before but it fades away, at those moments. I took off on an impulse(huh?), booked a flight, carrying only an mp3 player, that has a 1.5 megapixel camera. I pretended the device is the latest innovation. Ah - technology.
It's memorial day. My mere day off of the week. I was lazying away like the cats have taught me.
I stood and was wanting to take pictures of the scenery with myself in it. Someone approached.
He stood in proximity and had me fixed my gaze on him. I saw a most gorgeous face with eyes like that of the lake. Tall and sinewy and in a stance that in my mind I'm certain of a response for which I thought - "Yes, I do like latinos". He spoke, "I am to be taking your pictures, give it". I remind myself, I'm a confident person, I'm unfazed.
He stood there. He had me stand against the sun. I stood still, questioning, silent. He operated the mp3 camera, but not paying attention to it, more of just looking at me. I am archiving pictures of him, in my mind. I watched his movements, in my mind; what confidence, what boldness! I thought I liked it.
He approached closer, put his arms around me and slipped the camera in my back pocket. I smelt the blue perfume, and with the sun, sea and sweat - it intoxifies. I was to lay on the sand. He sat beside me casting his showdow over me. He gave me a slight smile and lay beside me as if to go to sleep or enjoy the beach as I am. I studied his burnt skin, it was pale under the trunks. His breathing steady as if there's an algorithm to it.
He turned to me as if to kiss me, "Chulo, you do have to do laundry do you"?
"Arrgh! yes! And straighten up my room too. My mind has been wandering again in broad daylight! I'll see you around. Adios"!
D:
Notes to self:
* The mp3 camera is real.
* It's very hard to take your own picture.
* I only vaguely remember his face and body.
* The perfume is Polo Sports.
* Just do the laundry already!
* use a warm hue picture, flood the room with light or in mid-noon
* brightness -16 contrast -52
* gamma correction 2.2
* automatic contrast adjustment
May 25, 2009
Movie: The Island
I like it 8/10.
One of the things I remember about a movie is the weird parts I feel about the movie. When the black man was shown and was presented as a villain assasin, I was almost sure that he actually is a hero; I was right. Ewan is a very sexy dude, so as Scarlet.
May 22, 2009
May 13, 2009
Cat Yodeling
I had cats before (many) and had once saw one sing and an orange cat having a lazy conversation with a chicken. It was pleasant to listen to. But since I was only about like five or six years old at the time, I question if it was real.
May 11, 2009
I got Assaulted (again) ):
On my way home from work around 11:30 pm (that's about an hour ago). I got assaulted by two black men. I thought I noticed them coming from the back but I wouldn't have thought what they're going to do. I got punched twice in the face and now has a wound on the back of right ear, a swollen right cheek and bleeding gum. Also a swollen left shoulder because I slammed down in the sidewalk. I reported to the police. I thought it was annoying to do that but I should.
This is the second time in six months and now I think this neighborhood is not safe. It sucks because I really need to be walking home from the bus stop at night and now that I'm going back to school, I need to be walking at night more often. I don't know what to think next time I see black men when I'm walking alone at night. I hope this does not affect my judgment because I did have a bit of intuitive warning but disregarded it. How do I protect my self from these incidents? I'm thinking.
May 09, 2009
I am not in Favor of VenomFangX's!
I am not in favor of VenomFangX but,
I am not in favor of VenomFangX's demise from Youtube!
Freedom of speech? I'm curious if this is just an strategy and am curious of his parents. Is this a positive outcome where freedom of expression is presented in a level field? I'm inclined to think so. Maybe there is a reason for the freethinkers to celebrate, even just for fun.
VenomFangX's Youtube
VenomFangX's Website
Onotheo
